o0o Sunday, August 23rd 1998, 8:06 pm o0o

I'm listening to James now; for some reason I've always viewed anything by James as creation music. When I get around to making tangible things like pants, doll houses, and sometimes even this I'll listen to James. funny, though, because it doesn't really seem to fit, but I've developed such bizarre connotations for just about everything.

there is no food in the house, which is of course a total lie, but nothing instant or readily appealing. I'm eating macaroni salad and I have no idea how old it is, but it is what I'm stuck with for now. I had a great lunch; hot tomato soup and a grill cheese sandwich that I made all by myself. Alex sometimes makes breakfast, but I woke up much to late for that. So it was fend for yourself, a term that I'm uncertain others ever use in such a situation. My parents seem to have some very bizarre sayings and everything is so relaxed in our household.

Soon I'll be moving out, by the end of the year for sure, but I'm afraid. I need the company they provide, I don't think I can live alone. Not being part of something scares me, not being with my family scares me. Who will make sure I eat, or make sure that we don't run out of things like toothpaste. Who will insist on watching horrible movies or talk to me on a regular basis. who will listen to my analyses of movies I've seen or books I've read. It won't be as easy to find someone to drag to a movie, especially when its for the third time in as many days. Who will I tell all the little trivial details of my day to. who will appreciate my sense of humor, who will tell me I'm witty and brilliant. who will do mstings of movies with me and all the hundred of other things I'm forgetting?

That's not all, I really think I might starve, or at least forget to eat for a few days. I'll forget things like cleaning supplies. My place will most likely be a mess. Living in a house with no one else, no movement, no constant reminders of others. who will I call Francis? I've always believed that I'm independent and when alone in the outside world for a day or a weekend I am, but I'm comfortable and responsible alone because I have my family to come home to. I'll forget things like cleaning and laundry. I don't really know how to cook. I always thought they should incorporate cooking in chemistry classes or vice versa, why is baking soda necessary?

They, my family, are a large part in why I feel comfortable in life; why I fell I belong. It probably won't be so bad. I suppose I could get a pet... I could always join the military and while I doubt belonging is what I'd feel, I would have the constant reminders of people. I made a quiet scary/amusing connection between joining the military and getting a dominatrix, but I refuse to say anymore.

I'm still so young, and I look even younger. I'm 4' 10" and the world was created for tall people, or so it seems... The cupboards are too high for me. I can't reach the top shelves at the grocery stores, book stores, or other such places. My tiny crappy car, that I can't drive because of the lack of a license, is to big for me. I have to play a 3/4 size cello... on occasion its nice too, people do things for me that they wouldn't normally do for others. It's not like I can't function in the real world, I can, but not being able to reach those top shelves angers me greatly.

I've already started looking for employment. I need more spending money and all the toys I want are spendy. Then of course there is the cost of moving out. I'll probably have to find a roommate so I probably won't be so lonely, but I'll still be putting at least 400 into rent, very possibly more. there is a demand for my limited web skills here and I should be making 12+ dollar an hour.

It should be fun, right?

- or maybe I'm just na�ve.

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